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Chapter Two

The Bodhisatta’s Quest

The Buddha’s own accounts of his actions as a bodhisatta, taken together, are one of the earliest spiritual autobiographies in recorded history. Some writers—citing the Buddha’s teaching on anattā, or not-self—have seen irony in this fact. Why would a teacher whose central teaching denies the self, they have asked, be so concerned with his own self-story?

This question derives from two misunderstandings. First, the anattā teaching does not deny the existence of the self. It is a mode of perception, a strategy using the label “not-self” to help abandon attachment to whatever is clung to as self, so as to reach liberation. Second, the Buddha’s central teaching is not anattā. It’s kamma, the principle of action. As we noted in the preceding chapter, the most fruitful and appropriate viewpoint for a person aiming at liberation is to regard experience in terms of skillful and unskillful actions, and their respective results. The anattā teaching is meant to function in the context of questions shaped by that viewpoint: When is the perception of self a skillful mental action and when is it not? When is the perception of not-self a skillful mental action and when is it not?

From this perspective, it is altogether appropriate that the Buddha would have pioneered the genre of spiritual autobiography, and for two reasons. First, the content of these accounts shows how his actions, his kamma, led to his understanding of action, and how that understanding then led to his awakening. The basic pattern of the accounts is this: “First I did this, then I experienced these results. In response to these results, I did that and experienced those results.” In the course of these experiments with action, he had done something no one else had done, and had learned something new about action that was of universal import. His purpose in relating his autobiography wasn’t simply to elicit an empathetic response from his listeners; he wanted to teach them lessons about kamma that would apply to their own pursuit of true happiness as well. Thus the story of his actions deserved to be shared.

Second, the Buddha’s act of relating this story shows one of the instances in which a perception of self is skillful: By sharing his experiences of his actions and their results, the Buddha encourages his listeners to develop both a desire for awakening and a confidence that if the Buddha did it, they could do it too. AN 4:159 calls these attitudes the craving needed to abandon craving, and the conceit needed to abandon conceit. This is thus an area where the perception of self is skillful both in the act of relating the accounts and in the act of listening and responding to them.

In addition to showing the role of kamma in the bodhisatta’s quest, these accounts also show the role of questioning as a type of kamma that provided the framework for shaping his other actions. In the basic pattern of the accounts, the statement, “I did this,” is often prefaced by the questions that led to his doing the “this”: “I asked myself, ‘Why am I doing that? What if I were to do this?’” Thus it is possible to cull from these accounts the questions that shaped the Buddha’s quest for awakening, not only to get a sense of the underlying concerns they express, but also to see what lessons the Buddha learned about questions in general as he allowed particular questions to shape his actions.

When viewed from the standpoint of the Buddha’s later use of his fourfold strategy in responding to questions, the questions that shaped his quest for awakening show two consistent features. The first is that they all take for granted the principle that action has results, and that those results determine whether the actions are skillful or unskillful. As the Buddha says in MN 26 [§14], his quest was from the very outset a search for “what might be skillful.” Other accounts in the Canon tell us that there were teachers in the bodhisatta’s time who taught a doctrine of inaction—saying either that human action was totally powerless to give results, that it was totally predetermined by influences from the past, or that the only way to liberation was to abstain from physical action—but the bodhisatta does not appear to have shown any interest in their teachings. He was convinced that the way to a deathless happiness involved skillful action. The one question he reports posing to his teachers—“To what extent do you declare that you have entered & dwell in this Dhamma?”—shows that he was interested not simply in rote learning, but also in actual attainment. His response to their answers shows his conviction that attainment is something to reach through action. To the extent that his questions all reflect this conviction, they were properly framed.

In a handful of texts [§83, §84; also MN 14], the Buddha says that he approached members of sects who taught various forms of inaction (which, according to his analysis, includes determinism) and disputed their teaching, but he doesn’t indicate whether these conversations occurred before or after his awakening. Either way, they would be consistent with concerns that we know did predate his awakening, for his arguments against doctrines of this sort are based on the conviction that if one engages in a holy life involving effort, one should believe in the efficacy of human effort. Otherwise, if one believes that everything is predetermined by the past, predetermined by an outside power, or—the other extreme—totally without cause, one’s actions are not in line with one’s beliefs. This alone, of course, doesn’t prove the efficacy of action, but it does tell us why the bodhisatta showed no interest in doctrines denying that efficacy.

The second feature common to all the questions the bodhisatta posed to himself is that they all rank as a form of self cross-examination. In questioning himself, he examined his assumptions and habits, at the same time stretching his imagination to find new and better possibilities for what might be skillful in his search. He then tested his answers in practice, to see what did and didn’t succeed in producing the desired results, at the same time formulating additional questions to establish what counts as success. In this way he refined the shape of his original questions—his sense of what is skillful and unskillful—honing it to the point where it yielded the perspective of the four noble truths. In the course of this refinement he discovered that some of his concepts of skillful and unskillful—such as the idea that self-torment is inherently skillful—had to be recast.

Even his response to the memory of his experience of jhāna in his youth followed the same pattern of phrasing a question and then testing the answer he had arrived at. He asked himself, “Could that be the path to awakening?” And even though there followed the consciousness, “That is the path to awakening,” he still tested this answer to see how far it might be true [§17].

Because all of these questions are a form of self-examination through cross-questioning, it is easy to see why the Buddha made such extensive use of cross-questioning in his teachings, citing it as a distinctive feature of the way he taught [§73]. He saw that the ability to question one’s own assumptions, and to make one’s understanding more accurate and useful by testing new assumptions in practice, lay at the heart of the path to liberation. As §19 shows, even the application of the four noble truths, in the form of dependent co-arising, was a type of self-examination through cross-questioning that led to his ultimate awakening. Thus cross-questioning is obviously a strategy that the Buddha had perfected in the process of his own quest.

An important aspect of his pursuit of that perfection lay in consistently holding to high standards for measuring the success of his quest. MN 26 [§14] indicates that the bodhisatta was not easily satisfied by the attainments he achieved under the instruction of other teachers. He wanted the deathless, and was not content with anything less. In AN 2:5 [§15] he claimed that one of the reasons for his self-awakening was that he didn’t rest content with the skillful qualities he had developed until they had yielded absolute release. Thus, when he later became a teacher, a crucial element in the training he gave his students in self cross-examination lay in showing them how to measure their own behavior, and the success of their actions, against high standards as well.

This insistence on high standards aimed at a very specific goal is one of the distinctive features of the Buddha’s pragmatism. Instead of allowing his students to rest complacent, defining “what works” by “what feels good enough for me,” he showed them that the highest form of compassion is to raise one’s standards to the level of a deathless happiness, for only through testing the results of one’s actions against those standards can a truly safe and reliable happiness be attained.

In addition to perfecting the strategy of cross-questioning, the bodhisatta also perfected the other response-strategies, along with the most fruitful way to combine them. His basic assumption, tested and verified in practice—that action is fruitful and that it can be either skillful or not—provided his most basic standard for questions that are to be answered categorically. He then refined the principle of skillful and unskillful action into four categories—unskillful action, undesirable result, skillful action, desirable result—which formed the framework for the four noble truths. As he further explored the framework of these truths through self cross-examination, he arrived at the categories of dependent co-arising. The fact that awakening followed on these ultimate refinements meant that the four noble truths and dependent co-arising provided his most refined standard for the categorical response-strategy as well. In this way, he learned the value of self cross-examination in refining the framework of his categorical questions.

Also, his discovery that self-torment was not inherently skillful provided the hard-earned insight—after six years of extreme physical suffering—that some questions deserve analytical answers. His first statement in his first sermon—that sensual indulgence and self-torment are both ignoble extremes—can be seen as an analytical answer to the question of whether self-torment was a nobler livelihood than sensual indulgence. His listeners had long assumed that the answer was a categorical Yes, so before teaching them the middle way the Buddha had to reframe the question by giving the analytical response that his own self cross-examination had shown to be most productive in leading to freedom.

As we will see in Chapter Four, many variations on the issue of how different livelihoods should be judged kept resurfacing throughout his teaching career, and they provided the occasion for the largest sub-set of his analytical answers. When asked which livelihood is most praiseworthy and fruitful, the Buddha would respond in each case that a livelihood is to be measured not by social status or heroic austerities, but by the fruitfulness of one’s actions.

And finally, when the bodhisatta on the night of his awakening moved from the first and second knowledges (the recollection of his past lives, and the knowledge of the passing away and reappearance of beings) to the third knowledge (the knowledge of the ending of mental fermentations) [§18], he learned an object lesson in the fact that assumptions useful on one level of the path might have to be put aside on a higher level. This meant that questions based on those assumptions would have to be put aside on higher levels of the path as well.

He also learned which particular assumptions deserve to be put aside. The first and second knowledges were expressed in terms of beings and worlds—the basic terms of bhava, or becoming. The third knowledge dropped those terms in favor of the bare terms of stress and fermentations, their origination, their cessation, and the path to their cessation.

DN 1 [§184] and MN 136 [§66] show that many other meditators of the period, on gaining knowledge of the same sort that the bodhisatta gained in his first and second knowledges, proceeded to develop theories about the self and the world based on what they had seen. As a result, they became entangled in controversies and further states of becoming, leading them further and further away from awakening.

In contrast, the bodhisatta, on attaining those two knowledges, maintained the original framework for his quest: “What is the most skillful use of this knowledge?” By maintaining this framework, he was able ultimately to avoid developing theories of the self or the world. In fact, in order to maintain this framework on a heightened level, he had to stop thinking in terms of beings and worlds. After discovering in his second knowledge the role of view and intention in determining birth, aging, and death throughout the cosmos, he applied this knowledge to processes he experienced in the present moment, as they were directly experienced apart from notions of being and self. As he cross-questioned his experience of the causes of aging and death in the present, he learned the entire interdependent sequence of causes down through becoming, from there through the factor of fabrications—which shape views and intentions—and from there to ignorance. In this way, he learned how the ending of ignorance could bring all these causes to an end. This proper framing of the issue, part of the third knowledge he gained that night, led to the step corresponding to what is elsewhere called the arising of the Dhamma eye: insight into dependent co-arising and its use in bringing stress and suffering to an end.

Then, apparently, he followed a similar process whereby he discerned how ignorance and the fermentations are mutually conditioned [§42], and how both of these could also be brought to an end.

This was his total release. And because total release followed on dismantling and putting aside the terms of becoming—self and world—he learned that, even though questions framed in these terms might be legitimately answered on earlier levels of the path (see Chapters One and Six), on later levels they would have to be put aside.

From these passages we can see how the bodhisatta’s experience in cross-questioning his assumptions of what might be skillful in leading to release provided him with the framework for the four response-strategies he used, as the Buddha, in dealing with his listeners’ questions and in teaching them the way to release.

But his quest for awakening also taught him other lessons about questions. In particular, he learned an important lesson about the pitfalls of using a simile to answer a question. Prior to his awakening, his initial response to the three similes about timber and sensuality [§17] was to undertake six years of severe austerities and the total avoidance of pleasure. This, however, was a serious misreading of how to use those similes most effectively. Only when he came to appreciate the pleasure of jhāna as secluded from sensuality was he able to benefit from the similes. This may explain why, when using a simile to explain an answer, he would often accompany the simile with detailed cross-questioning to ensure that his listener would interpret the simile in the most effective way. His hard-won experience had taught him the need for clarity in this approach.

These are some of the ways in which the bodhisatta’s quest for awakening perfected his skill in asking and answering questions. By describing these experiences to his listeners, he taught them important lessons in how they could develop skill in asking and answering questions as part of the path to their awakening as well.

Readings

§ 14. “Before my self-awakening, when I was still just an unawakened bodhisatta, being subject myself to birth, I sought what was likewise subject to birth. Being subject myself to aging… illness… death… sorrow… defilement, I sought [happiness in] what was likewise subject to illness… death… sorrow… defilement. The thought occurred to me, ‘Why do I, being subject myself to birth, seek what is likewise subject to birth? Being subject myself to aging… illness… death… sorrow… defilement, why do I seek what is likewise subject to illness… death… sorrow… defilement? What if I, being subject myself to birth, seeing the drawbacks of birth, were to seek the unborn, unexcelled safety from the yoke: unbinding. What if I, being subject myself to aging… illness… death… sorrow… defilement, seeing the drawbacks of aging… illness… death… sorrow… defilement, were to seek the aging-less, illness-less, deathless, sorrow-less, unexcelled safety from the yoke: unbinding.’

“So, at a later time, while still young, a black-haired young man endowed with the blessings of youth in the first stage of life—and while my parents, unwilling, were crying with tears streaming down their faces—I shaved off my hair & beard, put on the ochre robe and went forth from the home life into homelessness.

“Having thus gone forth in search of what might be skillful, seeking the unexcelled state of sublime peace, I went to Āḷāra Kālāma and, on arrival, said to him, ‘Friend Kālāma, I want to practice in this Dhamma & Vinaya.’

“When this was said, he replied to me, ‘You may stay here, my friend. This doctrine is such that a wise person can soon enter & dwell in his own teacher’s knowledge, having realized it for himself through direct knowledge.’

“It was not long before I quickly learned the doctrine. As far as mere lip-reciting & repetition, I could speak the words of knowledge, the words of the elders, and I could affirm that I knew & saw—I, along with others.

“I thought, ‘It isn’t through mere conviction alone that Āḷāra Kālāma declares, “I have entered & dwell in this Dhamma, having realized it for myself through direct knowledge.” Certainly he dwells knowing & seeing this Dhamma.’ So I went to him and said, ‘To what extent do you declare that you have entered & dwell in this Dhamma?’ When this was said, he declared the dimension of nothingness.

“I thought, ‘Not only does Āḷāra Kālāma have conviction, persistence, mindfulness, concentration, & discernment. I too have conviction, persistence, mindfulness, concentration, & discernment. What if I were to endeavor to realize for myself the Dhamma that Āḷāra Kālāma declares he has entered & dwells in, having realized it for himself through direct knowledge.’ So it was not long before I quickly entered & dwelled in that Dhamma, having realized it for myself through direct knowledge. I went to him and said, ‘Friend Kālāma, is this the extent to which you have entered & dwell in this Dhamma, having realized it for yourself through direct knowledge?’

“‘Yes, my friend….’

“‘This, friend, is the extent to which I too have entered & dwell in this Dhamma, having realized it for myself through direct knowledge.’

“‘It is a gain for us, my friend, a great gain for us, that we have such a companion in the holy life. So the Dhamma I declare I have entered & dwell in, having realized it for myself through direct knowledge, is the Dhamma you declare you have entered & dwell in, having realized it for yourself through direct knowledge. And the Dhamma you declare you have entered & dwell in, having realized it for yourself through direct knowledge, is the Dhamma I declare I have entered & dwell in, having realized it for myself through direct knowledge. The Dhamma I know is the Dhamma you know; the Dhamma you know is the Dhamma I know. As I am, so are you; as you are, so am I. Come friend, let us now lead this community together.’

“In this way did Āḷāra Kālāma, my teacher, place me, his pupil, on the same level with himself and pay me great honor. But the thought occurred to me, ‘This Dhamma leads not to disenchantment, to dispassion, to cessation, to stilling, to direct knowledge, to self-awakening, nor to unbinding, but only to reappearance in the dimension of nothingness.’ So, dissatisfied with that Dhamma, I left.

“In search of what might be skillful, seeking the unexcelled state of sublime peace, I went to Uddaka Rāmaputta and, on arrival, said to him, ‘Friend Uddaka, I want to practice in this Dhamma & Vinaya.’ [The story here follows a pattern similar to that of the bodhisatta’s encounter with Āḷāra Kālāma, except that Uddaka teaches the dimension of neither perception nor non-perception, which he himself has not attained, but which had been attained by his teacher, Rama. When the bodhisatta reaches that attainment, Uddaka offers to set him up as the sole leader of the community.]

“In this way did Uddaka Rāmaputta, my companion in the holy life, place me in the position of teacher and pay me great honor. But the thought occurred to me, ‘This Dhamma leads not to disenchantment, to dispassion, to cessation, to stilling, to direct knowledge, to self-awakening, nor to unbinding, but only to reappearance in the dimension of neither perception nor non-perception.’ So, dissatisfied with that Dhamma, I left.

“In search of what might be skillful, seeking the unexcelled state of sublime peace, I wandered by stages in the Magadhan country and came to the military town of Uruvelā. There I saw some delightful countryside, with an inspiring forest grove, a clear-flowing river with fine, delightful banks, and villages for alms-going on all sides. The thought occurred to me, ‘How delightful is this countryside, with its inspiring forest grove, clear-flowing river with fine, delightful banks, and villages for alms-going on all sides. This is just right for the exertion of a clansman intent on exertion.’ So I sat down right there, thinking, ‘This is just right for exertion.’” — MN 26

§ 15. “Monks, I have known two qualities through experience: discontent with regard to skillful qualities & unrelenting exertion. Relentlessly I exerted myself, (thinking,) ‘Gladly would I let the flesh & blood in my body dry up, leaving just the skin, tendons, & bones, but if I have not attained what can be reached through human firmness, human persistence, human striving, there will be no relaxing my persistence.’ From this heedfulness of mine was attained awakening. From this heedfulness of mine was attained the unexcelled safety from bondage.

“You too monks, should relentlessly exert yourselves, (thinking,) ‘Gladly would we let the flesh & blood in our bodies dry up, leaving just the skin, tendons, & bones, but if we have not attained what can be reached through human firmness, human persistence, human striving, there will be no relaxing our persistence.’ You too in no long time will reach & remain in the supreme goal of the holy life for which clansmen rightly go forth from home into homelessness, knowing & realizing it for yourselves in the here & now.

“Thus you should train yourselves: ‘We will relentlessly exert ourselves, (thinking,) “Gladly would we let the flesh & blood in our bodies dry up, leaving just the skin, tendons, & bones, but if we have not attained what can be reached through human firmness, human persistence, human striving, there will be no relaxing our persistence.”’ That’s how you should train yourselves.” — AN 2:5

§ 16. “The thought occurred to me, ‘What if—on recognized, designated nights such as the eighth, fourteenth, & fifteenth of the lunar fortnight—I were to stay in the sort of places that are awe-inspiring and make your hair stand on end, such as park-shrines, forest-shrines, & tree-shrines? Perhaps I would get to see that fear & terror.’ So at a later time—on recognized, designated nights such as the eighth, fourteenth, & fifteenth of the lunar fortnight—I stayed in the sort of places that are awe-inspiring and make your hair stand on end, such as park-shrines, forest-shrines, & tree-shrines. And while I was staying there a wild animal would come, or a bird would drop a twig, or wind would rustle the fallen leaves. The thought would occur to me: ‘Is this that fear & terror coming?’ Then the thought occurred to me, ‘Why do I just keep waiting for fear? What if I were to subdue fear & terror in whatever state they come?’ So when fear & terror came while I was walking back & forth, I would not stand or sit or lie down. I would keep walking back & forth until I had subdued that fear & terror. When fear & terror came while I was standing, I would not walk or sit or lie down. I would keep standing until I had subdued that fear & terror. When fear & terror came while I was sitting, I would not lie down or stand up or walk. I would keep sitting until I had subdued that fear & terror. When fear & terror came while I was lying down, I would not sit up or stand or walk. I would keep lying down until I had subdued that fear & terror.” — MN 4

§ 17. “Then, Aggivessana, these three similes—spontaneous, never before heard—appeared to me. Suppose there were a wet, sappy piece of timber lying in the water, and a man were to come along with an upper fire-stick, thinking, ‘I’ll produce fire. I’ll make heat appear.’ Now, what do you think? Would he be able to produce fire and make heat appear by rubbing the upper fire-stick in the wet, sappy timber lying in the water?”

“No, Master Gotama. Why is that? Because the timber is wet & sappy, and besides it is lying in the water. Eventually the man would reap only his share of weariness & disappointment.”

“So it is with any contemplative or brahman who doesn’t live secluded from sensuality in body & mind, and whose desire, infatuation, urge, thirst, & fever for sensuality is not relinquished & stilled within him: Whether or not he feels painful, racking, piercing feelings due to his striving [for awakening], he is incapable of knowledge, vision, & unexcelled self-awakening. This was the first simile—spontaneous, never before heard—that appeared to me.

“Then a second simile—spontaneous, never before heard—appeared to me. Suppose there were a wet, sappy piece of timber lying on land far from water, and a man were to come along with an upper fire-stick, thinking, ‘I’ll produce fire. I’ll make heat appear.’ Now, what do you think? Would he be able to produce fire and make heat appear by rubbing the upper fire-stick in the wet, sappy timber lying on land far from water?”

“No, Master Gotama. Why is that? Because the timber is wet & sappy, even though it is lying on land far from water. Eventually the man would reap only his share of weariness & disappointment.”

“So it is with any contemplative or brahman who lives secluded from sensuality in body only, but whose desire, infatuation, urge, thirst, & fever for sensuality is not relinquished & stilled within him: Whether or not he feels painful, racking, piercing feelings due to his striving, he is incapable of knowledge, vision, & unexcelled self-awakening. This was the second simile—spontaneous, never before heard—that appeared to me.

“Then a third simile—spontaneous, never before heard—appeared to me. Suppose there were a dry, sapless piece of timber lying on land far from water, and a man were to come along with an upper fire-stick, thinking, ‘I’ll produce fire. I’ll make heat appear.’ Now, what do you think? Would he be able to produce fire and make heat appear by rubbing the upper fire-stick in the dry, sapless timber lying on land?”

“Yes, Master Gotama. Why is that? Because the timber is dry & sapless, and besides it is lying on land far from water.”

“So it is with any contemplative or brahman who lives secluded from sensuality in body & mind, and whose desire, infatuation, urge, thirst, & fever for sensuality is relinquished & stilled within him: Whether or not he feels painful, racking, piercing feelings due to his striving, he is capable of knowledge, vision, & unexcelled self-awakening. This was the third simile—spontaneous, never before heard—that appeared to me.

“I thought, ‘What if I, clenching my teeth and pressing my tongue against the roof of my mouth, were to beat down, constrain, & crush my mind with my awareness?’ So, clenching my teeth and pressing my tongue against the roof of my mouth, I beat down, constrained, & crushed by mind with my awareness. Just as a strong man, seizing a weaker man by the head or the throat or the shoulders, would beat him down, constrain, & crush him, in the same way I beat down, constrained, & crushed my mind with my awareness. As I did so, sweat poured from my armpits. And although tireless persistence was aroused in me, and unmuddled mindfulness established, my body was aroused & uncalm because of the painful exertion. But the painful feeling that arose in this way did not invade my mind or remain.

“I thought, ‘What if I were to become absorbed in the jhāna of non-breathing?’ So I stopped the in-breaths & out-breaths in my nose & mouth. As I did so, there was a loud roaring of winds coming out my earholes, just like the loud roar of winds coming out of a smith’s bellows…. So I stopped the in-breaths & out-breaths in my nose & mouth & ears. As I did so, extreme forces sliced through my head, just as if a strong man were slicing my head open with a sharp sword…. Extreme pains arose in my head, just as if a strong man were tightening a turban made of tough leather straps around my head…. Extreme forces carved up my stomach cavity, just as if a butcher or his apprentice were to carve up the stomach cavity of an ox…. There was an extreme burning in my body, just as if two strong men, grabbing a weaker man by the arms, were to roast & broil him over a pit of hot embers. And although tireless persistence was aroused in me, and unmuddled mindfulness established, my body was aroused & uncalm because of the painful exertion. But the painful feeling that arose in this way did not invade my mind or remain.

“Devas, on seeing me, said, ‘Gotama the contemplative is dead.’ Other devas said, ‘He isn’t dead, he’s dying.’ Others said, ‘He’s neither dead nor dying, he’s an arahant, for this is the way arahants live.’

“I thought, ‘What if I were to practice going altogether without food?’ Then devas came to me and said, ‘Dear sir, please don’t practice going altogether without food. If you go altogether without food, we’ll infuse divine nourishment in through your pores, and you will survive on that.’ I thought, ‘If I were to claim to be completely fasting while these devas are infusing divine nourishment in through my pores, I would be lying.’ So I dismissed them, saying, ‘Enough.’

“I thought, ‘What if I were to take only a little food at a time, only a handful at a time of bean soup, lentil soup, vetch soup, or pea soup?’ So I took only a little food at a time, only a handful at a time of bean soup, lentil soup, vetch soup, or pea soup. My body became extremely emaciated. Simply from my eating so little, my limbs became like the jointed segments of vine stems or bamboo stems…. My backside became like a camel’s hoof…. My spine stood out like a string of beads…. My ribs jutted out like the jutting rafters of an old, run-down barn…. The gleam of my eyes appeared to be sunk deep in my eye sockets like the gleam of water deep in a well…. My scalp shriveled & withered like a green bitter gourd, shriveled & withered in the heat & the wind…. The skin of my belly became so stuck to my spine that when I thought of touching my belly, I grabbed hold of my spine as well; and when I thought of touching my spine, I grabbed hold of the skin of my belly as well…. If I urinated or defecated, I fell over on my face right there…. Simply from my eating so little, if I tried to ease my body by rubbing my limbs with my hands, the hair—rotted at its roots—fell from my body as I rubbed, simply from eating so little.

“People on seeing me would say, ‘Gotama the contemplative is black. Other people would say, ‘Gotama the contemplative isn’t black, he’s brown.’ Others would say, ‘Gotama the contemplative is neither black nor brown, he’s golden-skinned. So much had the clear, bright color of my skin deteriorated, simply from eating so little.

“I thought, ‘Whatever painful, racking, piercing feelings have been felt in the past by contemplatives or brahmans due to their striving, this is the utmost. None have been greater than this. Whatever painful, racking, piercing feelings will be felt in the future by contemplatives or brahmans due to their striving, this is the utmost. None will be greater than this. Whatever painful, racking, piercing feelings are being felt in the present by contemplatives or brahmans due to their striving, this is the utmost. None is greater than this. But with this racking practice of austerities I haven’t attained any superior human state, any distinction in knowledge or vision worthy of the noble ones. Could there be another path to awakening?’

“I thought, ‘I recall once, when my father the Sakyan was working, and I was sitting in the cool shade of a rose-apple tree, then—quite secluded from sensuality, secluded from unskillful qualities—I entered & remained in the first jhāna: rapture & pleasure born of seclusion, accompanied by directed thought & evaluation. Could that be the path to awakening?’ Then there was the consciousness following on that memory: ‘That is the path to awakening.’ I thought, ‘So why am I afraid of that pleasure that has nothing to do with sensuality, nothing to do with unskillful qualities?’ I thought, ‘I am no longer afraid of that pleasure that has nothing to do with sensuality, nothing to do with unskillful qualities, but that pleasure is not easy to achieve with a body so extremely emaciated. What if I were to take some solid food: some rice & porridge?’ So I took some solid food: some rice & porridge. Now five monks had been attending to me, thinking, ‘If Gotama, our contemplative, achieves some higher state, he will tell us.’ But when they saw me taking some solid food—some rice & porridge—they were disgusted and left me, thinking, ‘Gotama the contemplative is living luxuriously. He has abandoned his exertion and is backsliding into abundance.’

“So when I had taken solid food and regained strength, then—quite secluded from sensuality, secluded from unskillful qualities—I entered & remained in the first jhāna: rapture & pleasure born of seclusion, accompanied by directed thought & evaluation. But the pleasant feeling that arose in this way did not invade my mind or remain.” — MN 36

§ 18. “Monks, before my self-awakening, when I was still just an unawakened bodhisatta, the thought occurred to me, ‘What if I were to keep dividing my thinking into two sorts?’ So I made thinking imbued with sensuality, thinking imbued with ill will, & thinking imbued with harmfulness one sort, and thinking imbued with renunciation, thinking imbued with non-ill will, & thinking imbued with harmlessness another sort.

“And as I remained thus heedful, ardent, & resolute, thinking imbued with sensuality arose. I discerned that ‘Thinking imbued with sensuality has arisen in me; and that leads to my own affliction or to the affliction of others or to the affliction of both. It obstructs discernment, promotes vexation, & does not lead to unbinding.’

“As I noticed that it leads to my own affliction, it subsided. As I noticed that it leads to the affliction of others… to the affliction of both… it obstructs discernment, promotes vexation, & does not lead to unbinding, it subsided. Whenever thinking imbued with sensuality had arisen, I simply abandoned it, destroyed it, dispelled it, wiped it out of existence.

“And as I remained thus heedful, ardent, & resolute, thinking imbued with ill will arose. I discerned that ‘Thinking imbued with ill will has arisen in me; and that leads to my own affliction or to the affliction of others or to the affliction of both. It obstructs discernment, promotes vexation, & does not lead to unbinding.’

“As I noticed that it leads to my own affliction, it subsided. As I noticed that it leads to the affliction of others… to the affliction of both… it obstructs discernment, promotes vexation, & does not lead to unbinding, it subsided. Whenever thinking imbued with ill will had arisen, I simply abandoned it, destroyed it, dispelled it, wiped it out of existence.

“And as I remained thus heedful, ardent, & resolute, thinking imbued with harmfulness arose. I discerned that ‘Thinking imbued with harmfulness has arisen in me; and that leads to my own affliction or to the affliction of others or to the affliction of both. It obstructs discernment, promotes vexation, & does not lead to unbinding.’

“As I noticed that it leads to my own affliction, it subsided. As I noticed that it leads to the affliction of others… to the affliction of both… it obstructs discernment, promotes vexation, & does not lead to unbinding, it subsided. Whenever thinking imbued with harmfulness had arisen, I simply abandoned it, destroyed it, dispelled it, wiped it out of existence.

“Whatever a monk keeps pursuing with his thinking & pondering, that becomes the inclination of his awareness. If a monk keeps pursuing thinking imbued with sensuality, abandoning thinking imbued with renunciation, his mind is bent by that thinking imbued with sensuality. If a monk keeps pursuing thinking imbued with ill will, abandoning thinking imbued with non-ill will, his mind is bent by that thinking imbued with ill will. If a monk keeps pursuing thinking imbued with harmfulness, abandoning thinking imbued with harmlessness, his mind is bent by that thinking imbued with harmfulness.

“Just as in the last month of the Rains, in the autumn season when the crops are ripening, a cowherd would look after his cows: He would tap & poke & check & curb them with a stick on this side & that. Why is that? Because he foresees flogging or imprisonment or a fine or public censure arising from that [if he were to let his cows wander into the crops]. In the same way I foresaw in unskillful qualities drawbacks, degradation, & defilement, and I foresaw in skillful qualities rewards related to renunciation & promoting cleansing.

“And as I remained thus heedful, ardent, & resolute, thinking imbued with renunciation arose. I discerned that ‘Thinking imbued with renunciation has arisen in me; and that leads neither to my own affliction, nor to the affliction of others, nor to the affliction of both. It fosters discernment, promotes lack of vexation, & leads to unbinding. If I were to think & ponder in line with that even for a night… even for a day… even for a day & night, I do not envision any danger that would come from it, except that thinking & pondering a long time would tire the body. When the body is tired, the mind is disturbed; and a disturbed mind is far from concentration.’ So I steadied my mind right within, settled, unified, & concentrated it. Why is that? So that my mind would not be disturbed.

“And as I remained thus heedful, ardent, & resolute, thinking imbued with non-ill will arose. I discerned that ‘Thinking imbued with non-ill will has arisen in me; and that leads neither to my own affliction, nor to the affliction of others, nor to the affliction of both. It fosters discernment, promotes lack of vexation, & leads to unbinding. If I were to think & ponder in line with that even for a night… even for a day… even for a day & night, I do not envision any danger that would come from it, except that thinking & pondering a long time would tire the body. When the body is tired, the mind is disturbed; and a disturbed mind is far from concentration.’ So I steadied my mind right within, settled, unified, & concentrated it. Why is that? So that my mind would not be disturbed.

“And as I remained thus heedful, ardent, & resolute, thinking imbued with harmlessness arose. I discerned that ‘Thinking imbued with harmlessness has arisen in me; and that leads neither to my own affliction, nor to the affliction of others, nor to the affliction of both. It fosters discernment, promotes lack of vexation, & leads to unbinding. If I were to think & ponder in line with that even for a night… even for a day… even for a day & night, I do not envision any danger that would come from it, except that thinking & pondering a long time would tire the body. When the body is tired, the mind is disturbed; and a disturbed mind is far from concentration.’ So I steadied my mind right within, settled, unified, & concentrated it. Why is that? So that my mind would not be disturbed.

“Whatever a monk keeps pursuing with his thinking & pondering, that becomes the inclination of his awareness. If a monk keeps pursuing thinking imbued with renunciation, abandoning thinking imbued with sensuality, his mind is bent by that thinking imbued with renunciation. If a monk keeps pursuing thinking imbued with non-ill will, abandoning thinking imbued with ill will, his mind is bent by that thinking imbued with non-ill will. If a monk keeps pursuing thinking imbued with harmlessness, abandoning thinking imbued with harmfulness, his mind is bent by that thinking imbued with harmlessness.

“Just as in the last month of the hot season, when all the crops have been gathered into the village, a cowherd would look after his cows: While resting under the shade of a tree or out in the open, he simply keeps himself mindful of ‘those cows.’ In the same way, I simply kept myself mindful of ‘those qualities.’

“Unflagging persistence was aroused in me, and unmuddled mindfulness established. My body was calm & unaroused, my mind concentrated & single. Quite secluded from sensuality, secluded from unskillful qualities, I entered & remained in the first jhāna: rapture & pleasure born of seclusion, accompanied by directed thought & evaluation.1 With the stilling of directed thoughts & evaluations, I entered & remained in the second jhāna: rapture & pleasure born of concentration, unification of awareness free from directed thought & evaluation—internal assurance. With the fading of rapture, I remained equanimous, mindful, & alert, and sensed pleasure with the body. I entered & remained in the third jhāna, of which the noble ones declare, ‘Equanimous & mindful, he has a pleasant abiding.’ With the abandoning of pleasure & pain—as with the earlier disappearance of joys & distresses—I entered & remained in the fourth jhāna: purity of equanimity & mindfulness, neither pleasure nor pain.

“When the mind was thus concentrated, purified, bright, unblemished, rid of defilement, pliant, malleable, steady, & attained to imperturbability, I directed it to the knowledge of recollecting my past lives. I recollected my manifold past lives, i.e., one birth, two… five, ten… fifty, a hundred, a thousand, a hundred thousand, many eons of cosmic contraction, many eons of cosmic expansion, many eons of cosmic contraction & expansion: ‘There I had such a name, belonged to such a clan, had such an appearance. Such was my food, such my experience of pleasure & pain, such the end of my life. Passing away from that state, I re-arose there. There too I had such a name, belonged to such a clan, had such an appearance. Such was my food, such my experience of pleasure & pain, such the end of my life. Passing away from that state, I re-arose here.’ Thus I remembered my manifold past lives in their modes & details.

“This was the first knowledge I attained in the first watch of the night. Ignorance was destroyed; knowledge arose; darkness was destroyed; light arose—as happens in one who is heedful, ardent, & resolute.

“When the mind was thus concentrated, purified, bright, unblemished, rid of defilement, pliant, malleable, steady, & attained to imperturbability, I directed it to the knowledge of the passing away & reappearance of beings. I saw—by means of the divine eye, purified & surpassing the human—beings passing away & re-appearing, and I discerned how they are inferior & superior, beautiful & ugly, fortunate & unfortunate in accordance with actions: ‘These beings—who were endowed with bad conduct of body, speech, & mind, who reviled the noble ones, held wrong views and undertook actions under the influence of wrong views—with the breakup of the body, after death, have re-appeared in the plane of deprivation, the bad destination, the lower realms, in hell. But these beings—who were endowed with good conduct of body, speech, & mind, who did not revile the noble ones, who held right views and undertook actions under the influence of right views—with the breakup of the body, after death, have re-appeared in the good destinations, in the heavenly world.’ Thus—by means of the divine eye, purified & surpassing the human—I saw beings passing away & re-appearing, and I discerned how they are inferior & superior, beautiful & ugly, fortunate & unfortunate in accordance with actions.

“This was the second knowledge I attained in the second watch of the night. Ignorance was destroyed; knowledge arose; darkness was destroyed; light arose—as happens in one who is heedful, ardent, & resolute.

“When the mind was thus concentrated, purified, bright, unblemished, rid of defilement, pliant, malleable, steady, & attained to imperturbability, I directed it to the knowledge of the ending of (mental) fermentations. I discerned, as it had come to be, that ‘This is stress… This is the origination of stress… This is the cessation of stress… This is the way leading to the cessation of stress… These are fermentations… This is the origination of fermentations… This is the cessation of fermentations… This is the way leading to the cessation of fermentations.’ My heart, thus knowing, thus seeing, was released from the fermentation of sensuality, released from the fermentation of becoming, released from the fermentation of ignorance. With release, there was the knowledge, ‘Released.’ I discerned that ‘Birth is ended, the holy life fulfilled, the task done. There is nothing further for this world.’

“This was the third knowledge I attained in the third watch of the night. Ignorance was destroyed; knowledge arose; darkness was destroyed; light arose—as happens in one who is heedful, ardent, & resolute.” — MN 19

§ 19. “Monks, before my self-awakening, when I was still just an unawakened bodhisatta, the realization came to me: ‘How this world has fallen on difficulty! It is born, it ages, it dies, it falls away & rearises, but it doesn’t discern the escape from this stress, from this aging-&-death. O when will it discern the escape from this stress, from this aging-&-death?’

“Then the thought occurred to me, ‘Aging-&-death exists when what exists? From what as a requisite condition comes aging-&-death?’ From my appropriate attention there came the breakthrough of discernment: ‘Aging-&-death exists when birth exists.1 From birth as a requisite condition comes aging-&-death.’

Then the thought occurred to me, ‘Birth exists when what exists? From what as a requisite condition comes birth?’ From my appropriate attention there came the breakthrough of discernment: ‘Birth exists when becoming exists. From becoming as a requisite condition comes birth.’….

“‘Becoming exists when what exists?’ … ‘Becoming exists when clinging exists….

“‘Clinging exists when what exists?’ … ‘Clinging exists when craving exists….

“‘Craving exists when what exists?’ … ‘Craving exists when feeling exists….

“‘Feeling exists when what exists?’ … ‘Feeling exists when contact exists….

“‘Contact exists when what exists?’ … ‘Contact exists when the six sense media exist….

“‘The six sense media exist when what exists?’ … ‘The six sense media exist when name-&-form exists….

“‘Name-&-form exists when what exists?’ … ‘Name-&-form exists when consciousness exists….

“‘Consciousness exists when what exists?’ … ‘Consciousness exists when fabrications exist….

Then the thought occurred to me, ‘Fabrications exist when what exists? From what as a requisite condition come fabrications?’ From my appropriate attention there came the breakthrough of discernment: ‘Fabrications exist when ignorance exists. From ignorance as a requisite condition come fabrications.

“‘Thus:

From ignorance as a requisite condition come fabrications.

From fabrications as a requisite condition comes consciousness.

From consciousness as a requisite condition comes name-&-form.

From name-&-form as a requisite condition come the six sense media.

From the six sense media as a requisite condition comes contact.

From contact as a requisite condition comes feeling.

From feeling as a requisite condition comes craving.

From craving as a requisite condition comes clinging/sustenance.

From clinging/sustenance as a requisite condition comes becoming.

From becoming as a requisite condition comes birth.

From birth as a requisite condition, then aging-&-death, sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair come into play. Such is the origination of this entire mass of stress & suffering. Origination, origination.’ Vision arose, clear knowing arose, discernment arose, knowledge arose, illumination arose within me with regard to things never before heard.

“Then the thought occurred to me, ‘Aging-&-death doesn’t exist when what doesn’t exist? From the cessation of what comes the cessation of aging-&-death?’ From my appropriate attention there came the breakthrough of discernment: ‘Aging-&-death doesn’t exist when birth doesn’t exist. From the cessation of birth comes the cessation of aging-&-death.’

“Then the thought occurred to me, ‘Birth doesn’t exist when what doesn’t exist? From the cessation of what comes the cessation of birth?’ From my appropriate attention there came the breakthrough of discernment: ‘Birth doesn’t exist when becoming doesn’t exist. From the cessation of becoming comes the cessation of birth.’….

“‘Becoming doesn’t exist when what doesn’t exist?’ … ‘Becoming doesn’t exist when clinging doesn’t exist….

“‘Clinging doesn’t exist when what doesn’t exist?’ … ‘Clinging doesn’t exist when craving doesn’t exist….

“‘Craving doesn’t exist when what doesn’t exist?’ … ‘Craving doesn’t exist when feeling doesn’t exist….

“‘Feeling doesn’t exist when what doesn’t exist?’ … ‘Feeling doesn’t exist when contact doesn’t exist….

“‘Contact doesn’t exist when what doesn’t exist?’ … ‘Contact doesn’t exist when the six sense media don’t exist….

“‘The six sense media don’t exist when what doesn’t exist?’ … ‘The six sense media don’t exist when name-&-form doesn’t exist….

“‘Name-&-form doesn’t exist when what doesn’t exist?’ … ‘Name-&-form doesn’t exist when consciousness doesn’t exist….

“‘Consciousness doesn’t exist when what doesn’t exist?’ … ‘Consciousness doesn’t exist when fabrications don’t exist….

Then the thought occurred to me, ‘Fabrications don’t exist when what doesn’t exist? From the cessation of what comes the cessation of fabrications?’ From my appropriate attention there came the breakthrough of discernment: ‘Fabrications don’t exist when ignorance doesn’t exist. From the cessation of ignorance comes the cessation of fabrications.

“‘Thus:

From the cessation of ignorance comes the cessation of fabrications.

From the cessation of fabrications comes the cessation of consciousness.

From the cessation of consciousness comes the cessation of name-&-form.

From the cessation of name-&-form comes the cessation of the six sense media.

From the cessation of the six sense media comes the cessation of contact.

From the cessation of contact comes the cessation of feeling.

From the cessation of feeling comes the cessation of craving.

From the cessation of craving comes the cessation of clinging/sustenance.

From the cessation of clinging/sustenance comes the cessation of becoming.

From the cessation of becoming comes the cessation of birth. From the cessation of birth, then aging-&-death, sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair all cease. Such is the cessation of this entire mass of stress & suffering. Cessation, cessation.’ Vision arose, clear knowing arose, discernment arose, knowledge arose, illumination arose within me with regard to things never before heard.” — SN 12:10